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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29475840">Sunlight and Dust</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nixutree/pseuds/nixutree'>nixutree</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (1974), The Great Gatsby (2013)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Assassin - Freeform, Ballroom Dancing, F/M, Fantasy, Help, Jealousy, M/M, Not Beta Read, Poor Life Choices, Poor Nick, Royalty, Sad, Sad Ending, This author is tired, Truth, Unrequited Love, no happy ending, unedited</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:08:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,023</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29475840</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nixutree/pseuds/nixutree</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nick Carraway is posing as Jay Gatsby's bodyguard, but in reality, he's in disguise. At one of the elaborate balls that the young prince hosts, Nick decides to tell Gatsby the truth about what he's really doing here.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Daisy Buchanan/Jay Gatsby, Nick Carraway/Jay Gatsby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Sunlight and Dust</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This work is based off of an original novel I'm currently working. I'm sorry if this isn't amazing, I honestly just wrote it on a whim.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I wasn’t supposed to be here. </p><p>Well, I was supposed to be here physically. This ball was where I was supposed to be. Where I and Jordan were supposed to be. The job, the money, that’s why we were here. The disguises, the straight backs and standing on the edge of the frivolous ballroom. The knife strapped out of sight inside my clothing burned red iron hot against my skin. On other missions, the dagger was cool, a relief. </p><p>750,000. That’s how much waited for me. Me and Jordan. The clink of gold coins mulled in the back of my mind like an earworm, every single drop of those tempting and tantalizing gold coins resting heavier and heavier on my mind. It dug into my thoughts, a weight for my conscience. </p><p>I was supposed to be here. I was supposed to finish the job. </p><p>He picked her up, spinning her around in time with the music. Other dance partners were doing the same, the men picking up their female partners, plastered smiles covering their faces but they were all dim and dying lights compared to the man dancing in the very centre of the ballroom, the woman he held radiant with light as well. But his light outshone hers, he was the moon and she was like a persistent but failing star. She tried to match his but there was no way Daisy Buchanan would never compete against Jay Gatsby. </p><p>
  <em> Clink.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Clink.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Clink. </em>
</p><p>What wasn’t supposed to be here were the staining thoughts at night and day, the realizations I scrambled to lock up behind a weak and weakening lock and key. The distracting race of my heart as I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. There was no way I could. I was stuck. I was struggling to keep afloat. </p><p>That’s what I was doing. I was struggling. Struggling to commit, to follow through because of the hopeful and punishing thoughts that constantly played behind the black of my eyelids when I went to sleep and persisted when I awoke. </p><p>
  <em> Clink.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Clink. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Clink.  </em>
</p><p>750,000. I had to remember. 750,000. </p><p>Seven hundred and fifty-thousand. </p><p>Seven hundred and fifty-thousand. My signature scrawled at the end of a letter, the closing of the door to my past. I could start anew. I tried to keep repeating it in my head, trying to ingrain it into my mind. I tried to keep the slippery fish from escaping into the stream beneath it, where I knew I would never see it again. </p><p>The crescendo that rose from the violins drew to a close. Gatsby, the angel he was, bent to kiss Daisy’s hand. Pink covered her cheeks like coloured icing sugar. I gulped. Their contact broke apart. Daisy disappeared into the crowd, another pretty, dressed up noble woman among others. But Gatsby still stood out, just like he always did. I noticed it as he approached me, the great Jay Gatsby, the next prince to the throne passed them like gold and diamonds compared to the dirt of the people in the crowd surrounding him. </p><p>
  <em> Clink.  </em>
</p><p>He made it towards me, his smile radiant. I couldn’t stop my lips from turning upward in response to his. </p><p> “I think that went well,” he said, gracefully leaning against the pillar I stood next to. His brilliantly blue eyes still scanned the crowd.  </p><p>I could do it now. I should do it now. The knife dug into me, a reminder. I should, I should, I should. “What went well?” I asked. </p><p> “The dance with Daisy. I think it went well,” his eyes slid over to me, meeting mine. I had to physically stop my heart from leaping into my mouth. “How’s this for you? Must be boring just having to watch me all the time.” </p><p>I shrugged. <em> Gives me more time to watch you- no, no, please. I can’t think of this now. </em> “It’s alright. Dancing isn’t my thing anyway.” </p><p>Gatsby cocked an eyebrow. “Really?” </p><p>I nodded, suddenly finding that I couldn’t look at him straight. On the opposite side of the completely packed ballroom, I spotted Jordan taking a similar position to mine, her eyes watching Daisy. But the look in her eyes wasn’t the same as when I looked at Gatsby, even from this distance, I was able to tell the difference. </p><p>Jordan saw her as a target. A target with the price of 750,000 attached to her head. </p><p>There was no way that I could look at Gatsby like that. </p><p>Her eyes connected with mine. Slimy, cold responsibility settled on my shoulders like a demon. And that demon leered over me with rotten teeth. Disgusting spit matched the clinking of the coins inside my head. The dagger transformed into one of its claws as it bit down. </p><p>I couldn’t do it. I knew what Jordan and Tom would say. Tom, the ‘innocent’ demonic client, would have me killed. </p><p>My heart overriding that monstrous responsibility, I knew what I had to do. And it wasn’t to kill him. I broke eye contact with Jordan. I broke the spine of our partnership, the promises I’d made to myself just like that. The gold coins disappeared. There was only one thought. </p><p>I had to protect him. </p><p> “Old sport? You alright?”               </p><p>My response was, “Dance with me.” </p><p> “But you just said-” </p><p> “Dance with me. I want to... with you.” </p><p>The smile that transformed his face was the most beautiful one I had ever seen grace his face. The drums that settled into my heart started up with that smile. He didn’t say a word, just offered his hand, stretching out to me. I smiled, taking it. My chest burned, fear for two reasons mingling into one. I tried to erase the dagger, the way I could feel Jordan’s gaze boring into me from across the ballroom floor but I couldn’t care.</p><p>Wouldn’t care. </p><p>I was going to dance with him, no matter what it meant for me. What it meant for the rest of my life. </p><p>The music began again, something gentle. My mouth felt dry, I couldn’t swallow. He led me onto the dance floor, the two of us ignoring whatever stares that followed. We were both stronger than letting other people’s thoughts dictate us. We were both too stubborn, we couldn’t let ourselves fall into that never-ending pit of what other people thought. I couldn’t let myself fall. Gatsby was leading me above it. </p><p>The space that we took on the dance floor put us automatically in view of almost everyone. Anyone who cared to watch. And to me, it felt like a lot of people’s gazes were trained on us. </p><p>His breath was hot on my ear. “How bad are you at dancing?” </p><p>Red burned my cheeks at the sensation. “Oh...um... I’m not amazing.” </p><p>He chuckled. “That’s alright, old sport. Just don’t step on my feet, OK?” His hand slid towards my back, supporting me. </p><p>I found it hard to nod. “...OK. I’ll try.” </p><p>As soon as I’d uttered that last word, he swung me into the dance. My heart lurched along with my body but his gentle hands guided me. I tried as best I could to not step on his feet, finding it hard to break eye contact with him but needing to see where my feet lay. The music swam around us, the people swam around us too into a dizzying effect until all was blurred, the only thing that stayed in focus was his face and his smile. The slight amount of whispered chatter jolted alongside the music, jarring and horrible but Gatsby’s voice sounded like a lullaby, it felt like his voice was part of the music itself. </p><p> “Any reason why you wanted to dance with me?” </p><p>The blockage that nearly prevented me from speaking was difficult to get around. “Yes, two reasons.” I managed to keep my voice from sounding like a flustered teenage boy’s. </p><p> “And they were?” </p><p>The dance’s tempo quickened, as if to match my heart. “I need you to promise me that you’re not going to be mad.” </p><p>His smile weakened. “They can’t be that bad, surely?” </p><p>I made myself taller so that only he would be able to hear what I had to say. Shakily, I breathed, “You were supposed to get killed tonight. I wanted to protect you.” </p><p> “Isn’t that your job as my bodyguard?” His confusion rankled. </p><p>I shook my head. I felt like I was just about to use my own knife against myself and bury it to the hilt inside my chest. The words I was about to say, they were heavier than anything I had ever experienced. They dogged my movements, making me almost lose whatever balance I had in this dance. Doubt crept over me. I shouldn’t have chosen such a public place to tell him. With the bodies around us, whispers could fly. But there was no turning back. “I didn’t sign up for this to be your bodyguard, Jay.” </p><p>Removing myself from his ear, I watched as his face contorted. Regret washed over me. I shouldn’t have told him. Maybe, I should have done it. Maybe I should have killed him, taken the 750,000 with it and then erased my name from the contract that bound me to the assassin’s guild. Panic settled into his eyes, flecks of pain that I wished to erase. “You...you were supposed to kill me.” I nodded. I could tell that he was fighting the urge to flee, to run far from me. “Why haven’t you?” </p><p>There was nothing that I wanted more than to disappear into the floor, for my body to shrink. I wished that he had never known me, or that no one would even dare to place a set of digits on his head. To end his beautiful, dashing life. </p><p> “I can’t kill you,” My words poured out of me. I couldn’t hold them back any longer. “I can’t bring myself to. Because I...I care about you.” </p><p>He couldn’t look at me. “And Jordan?” </p><p> “She was hired to kill Daisy.” </p><p>At the words, his panic sunk in even deeper. He almost broke from me, thoughts of Daisy’s death playing in his eyes clear as day. Using the opportunity, I glanced over at Jordan. She hadn’t left the spot I’d last seen her at. Her eyes met mine. I couldn’t read her face, I couldn’t read any of it. </p><p> “I’ll try to convince her.” </p><p>Gatsby’s eyes flicked back to mine. “Who hired you and her?” </p><p> “Tom did.” </p><p>His voice came out in a shaky whisper. “Why? I… I don’t understand.” </p><p> “I don’t know why he wants to kill you but with Daisy, he doesn’t love her any more.” </p><p> “But I don’t. I don’t love her.” </p><p> “You don’t?” </p><p>Gatsby shook his head. “No, we’re just friends.” </p><p> “Oh… Oh. God.” </p><p>The music stopped and with it, the dance. People milled around us again, some searching for new dance partners, others going to the surrounding tables for food and rest. We just stood there, staring at each other, shock enveloping both of us. </p><p> “I’m sorry,” was all I could push out. </p><p>He just stared at me. </p><p> “I’ll try to convince her. I don’t think she’ll do it here. Jordan isn’t...she isn’t one for dramatic killings.” </p><p> “And you are?” his voice was bitter. His eyes were daggers, dark, dark daggers. The metaphorical hilt in my chest sunk in deeper.</p><p>My throat closed up. “No. No, I’m not like that.” </p><p> “How were you going to do it then?” his voice was getting dangerously loud. The music started again, I ignored it. </p><p> “Jay,” I hissed. </p><p> “What? Afraid of blowing your cover?” </p><p>People were looking. Too many people were looking. Far too many. “I don’t care about that any more.” </p><p> “Then what-” </p><p>I pulled at him. I had to get him to understand. I had to try. At first, he made to pull away from me, to vanish off into the crowd but he then fell into step after me, the two of us avoiding the puzzled dancers around us. The doors to the ballroom boomed behind us, the titters, laughs and violins left behind, encased in their unpunctured world. I wished Gatsby could have continued to live in that or that the two of us were together. Together in an untarnished reality far from this one. Looking into the depths of the hallway, the only light coming from the ballroom behind, I figured that no one was there to hear us. </p><p>Anger and disbelief spoiled his face. “I don’t understand, Nick. I don’t get why you’d lie or how you’d even want to kill me.” </p><p> “I…” that was the first time he’d ever used my first name. I wished it had been in another way, not like this in this messed up situation. Stupid, stupid, I shouldn’t have done this. I sighed. No, he needed to know this and even if we never saw each other again…At least this would be wiped from my conscience. “I don’t want to kill you.” </p><p> “Then why are you even here?” </p><p> “I’m here because I needed the money at first. Tom just told me what needed to be done, the details and the price. If the price had been lower, I wouldn’t have agreed to do this.” </p><p> “Why do you need the money?” </p><p> “I need it because I need to pay off debts. I’m part of an assassin’s guild. The price was enough for me to get myself out of it.” </p><p> “And Jordan, why did she agree to it?” </p><p> “I don’t know.” </p><p> “Why does Tom want to kill me?” </p><p> “Jesus, Gatsby, I don’t know!” I shouted. I staggered away from him as if I’d been burned. “I don’t want to kill you. I don’t,” my voice came out in a whine. “I <em> can’t </em> kill you.” Tears sprang into my eyes, threatening to fall. I rubbed my eyes, desperate to not cry. Anything I had with him vanished. Vanished in the space between us that felt way too full and yet so empty at the same time. “I just wanted to get out of there. It wasn’t my choice anyway.” </p><p> “How much was it?” </p><p> “Seven hundred and fifty thousand.” I managed to choke out. “The price for Daisy is the same too.” </p><p> “And you’re OK with your own cousin being murdered because of money?” </p><p> “I didn’t know.” </p><p> “Do you know anything at all?” </p><p>I couldn’t look him in the eye. “I… I just accepted it. I didn’t know about Jordan or Daisy at all until I saw them there.” </p><p>I could feel Gatsby’s gaze on me. It burned. And guilt, in its most disgusting form, made to strangle me. Guilt that I’d been guided by the numbers. I didn’t want to, I didn't want to do this. Any of this. </p><p> “I can… I can try to convince her.” </p><p>He sighed. That alone made me want to run away. I couldn’t tell what he meant by that sigh, but then again, Gatsby was almost like a puzzle. He could be a predictable puzzle at times but he confused me. He confused me a lot of times. “I don’t know if I should get angry or feel sorry for you.” </p><p>And with that, he left. He didn’t even look behind him, an extremely dangerous thing considering what I’d just told him. But I couldn’t have done it anyway, there was no way I could have done it. Exhaustion swallowed me up and I wanted nothing more than to simply sink into a deep sleep and never wake again. I didn’t care where. The impending, never-leaving feeling that i had royally messed everything up clawed into me, its poison already setting in. </p><p>I could just leave. Wait for the guards to eventually follow me, wait for whatever noose or sword would make its mark on my neck. </p><p>
  <em> Oh come on, Nick. come on. Your life doesn’t revolve around Jay Gatsby.  </em>
</p><p>But all I could think about was the dance he’d had with Daisy earlier which I’d watched from the shadows. He hadn’t been the moon, I was wrong about that. Instead, he was the sun. Everyone else was everything else in the universe, anything that revolved around him. As for me, I was just a lowly piece of space dust. I didn’t matter much, I wouldn’t matter. Except for the fact that I was nearly the reason as to why the sun had faltered and flickered out. </p><p>I had to walk out of the castle. I had to leave this solar system, whatever this castle was, behind. Moving towards the front doors and beyond it, the gates, I pushed through the milling people to the dizzying world beyond. I looked back, and up, to where I knew his chambers lay. Golden light shone inside of it. My throat swallowed up. I had no clue how long I’d stood there alone in that dark hallway with all the joy in that once sheltered world only feet away from my shattering state. It could have been fifteen minutes or an hour. I wouldn’t know. But now, his rooms weren’t vacant, they were alive and from the curtain I could spy against the light, that he wasn’t alone. Daisy. She was with him. Of course. </p><p>A small part of me wished that she’d be safe. A bigger part wanted Gatsby to be safe tonight. The largest part of me wished that instead of Daisy, that I’d be up with him. I wished that I was alone with him. I flinched, remembering what had happened earlier. </p><p>Our last time alone hadn’t been happy. I’d ruined everything. </p><p>Of course I did. Of course, I ruined everything. And with that, I turned and strode out the gates. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. He wouldn’t have liked it anyway. I walked into a darker and in a way, much more dangerous world. One where I’d be running, the fox before the hounds and horses. </p><p>I was just a lonely bit of space dust, having lost my sun. </p><p>Only then did I realize that I'd never told him my second reason. </p>
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